Why we all need to abolish “good job” from our vocabulary (no.14)

Post #14

If you have kids, think about how many times a day you might use or hear the phrase “good job”. It’s everywhere.
This proverbial doggy biscuit systematically and succinctly lobbed at our children, small and large, training them to go outward for validation for their work.
Mommy what do you think of my drawing, my handstand, my report card, my project.
When really the question we need to be asking is:
“Bodhi what do YOU think of it?”
“Nina how do YOU feel about it?”
Instead of inserting your evaluation or judgement, what if you described what you saw?

“Wow, Elsa, i see you worked really hard on that test, that project…that track meet.”
“Max, I see you used lots of orange, tell me more about what you created.”

Or maybe try not saying anything at all. See how that feels.
Invite them to turn their focus inward.

This is a tough one to get behind, I’ve yet to meet a parent who doesn’t meet this concept with huge resistance, myself included. I grew up with so much praise, I’m a 100% bonafide praise junkie.

Constantly looking to the outside world to validate my painting, my project, my cartwheel, so to speak.
I’m not advocating to ignore our kid’s efforts, just notice where they are receiving validation and what is your desired end result? Do you want them going outward or inward for information about how they feel about themselves and what they create?

Long way around…
How does this tie to the work? This is THE WORK, with the film and the writing.
Diet culture, a romantic relationship, our bank account, a job title, volunteering have all trained us to go outward to seek validation. How often do you go inward asking yourself what YOU think?

The naive part is the idea that anything external could ever truly fill or fix us long term. They are band aids.
The glass of wine, Netflix, work, all external and to be enjoyed for sure. And we know, it’s an inside job.