Blame it on the twinkie. (no.13)

Post #13

“Twinkies are evil!” My friend Andrea declared, as we sat in the serene outdoor Ojai café on a gorgeous spring afternoon.  She invited me along for some much needed mama time. She trained in breathe-work in the mornings and we explored this sleepy mountain town in the afternoons. 

Andrea is a goddess, everyone thinks so. She’s tall, lean, fabulous curly hair that sits on top of her head. 

She’s half white, half black and 100% gorgeous. 

Andrea seems to float through life with this effortless effervescence, smiling at everyone, it all seems to come fairly easy for her. 

We are deep in conversation about her ex-husband who she continues to cohabitate with in Seattle, Washington, in a connected but separate living space.

“He just shoves food in his mouth, it’s disgusting, I’m repelled by him, sometimes I just have to leave the table.” 

I listen with deep curiosity as I’ve never experienced my friend this animated, this intense on well, anything. 

Andrea personifies light, love and all things joy. She doesn’t complain, she doesn’t speak ill of anyone or anything. 

Yeah, it’s sometimes annoying. 

Because it doesn’t fully feel real, lots of shit annoys me. So, I welcomed in this other side of her, naked truth telling.  After 13 years of friendship, I’m finally learning some things do get on her nerves (yippee).   

She continues, “I have the girls Monday & Tuesday, I make them healthy homemade meals, he has them Wednesday & Thursday and sometimes all he does is feed them fast food.” 

I take a long pause, then a big deep breathe, and smile as I say “yeah, sometimes McDonalds is the best we can do.” 

She immediately shoots back in masked anger, “I don’t believe it!”

I continue to smile and repeat the phrase for emphasis. This is one I will not back down on. 

This. 

This very conversation has become my life’s work the past three years. 

Writing, engaging in these conversations, many, well most, failed. 

I’m remembering to breathe deeply. 

She says, “I know what he’s capable of and it’s not that.”

“Okay, let me offer, as your friend, as a fellow single mother, sometimes Taco Bell is the absolute best I can do.”

Andrea, is a fairly recent single mama living under her ex’s roof, as she cares for her two young girls as they all acclimate to living in this new city.

From my purview, it doesn’t seem like she has the full taste of what working full-time, single parent life entails for some. 

I continue, “Not everyone has access to fresh organic food.”

She interrupts, “I don’t believe that, anyone can get fresh produce at the grocery store.”

“Not everyone has access to fresh produce and even if they do, not everyone, has the time, desire or know how to prepare a fresh ‘healthy’ meal, each night, after a long hard day of work. So sometimes, McDonalds is the best they can do.”

She declares once again, “well I just don’t believe that, you can’t eat McDonalds every day.”

I inquire, “is he feeding your kids fast food every day?”

She shakes her head. “But there is no nutritional value in McDonalds” she declared emphatically. Clearly this is something she is just as passionate about as I am. 

And I see it, I see her. I see myself from two years ago, debating with my own treatment team--well fighting really. Heated battles followed by long impassioned emails telling them how moronic they are for declaring “processed food is not bad for us.” I mean how wrong can they be, right?

I had my own journey of untangling this whole demonization of food. Elevating all things green and organic while categorically knowing that sugar, processed foods and fast food is total crap. There’s a reason we call it junk food.

“I’ve been there, I get it.” I tell her with every ounce of empathy I had. I hold space for Andrea, just as my treatment team held for me years prior.  

“I shared the exact same beliefs and I’m here to tell you that is the influence of diet culture speaking. All food has some nutritional value if only calories. And we need calories to live.”

“What about Twinkies? Twinkies are evil!” 

Oh YES! Now we are getting somewhere. 

The beloved and likely most vilified food in America. 

The Twinkie. 

It was taken off the market after many crucified it’s ingredients only to be brought back by more people who protested the removal of this much loved snack food. 

I remember walking to our neighborhood 7-11, growing up in the 80’s to obtain some penny candy. And on a rare occasion I had saved enough to splurge for a Twinkie. 

Now my 9 year-old taste buds have evolved, but I still delight in my mom’s Divinity or Nerds candy.  

Food is far more than nutrition, it evokes memories, it’s our culture, our heritage.

It’s our past, our present and our future all rolled into one. 

It reminds of certain events that instantly take us right back, the smell of baked bread, roasting coffee, buttery popcorn popping, the taste can send us into another dimension.  

Food is a form of self-expression, a creative outlet. Anyone who loves me knows how I can’t resist hosting dinner parties to show off my talents in the kitchen. 

I delight in baking with my daughter and sharing our tasty morsels with our loved ones when spirit moves us.  

Food brings us together, food connects us, food plays a key part in our mental well-being. 

And for some, it's eating McDonald’s with their dad or sharing a bag of Funyuns with their friends, who are we to say what brings someone else such playful joy is evil? 

Just as love is love, joy is joy. 

Not everyone enjoys baking or cooking. Not everyone has access to take out with all-natural organic ingredients. Sometimes it’s a Twinkie or Taco Bell that sparks that same joy that others might get from a kale smoothie. 

The conversation with Andrea was long, we stayed connected. But I won't sugarcoat this morsel, there were times I wanted to bail and say, this conversation is too triggering, “you’re not seeing me”.  Or "Andrea you are spiritually bypassing your own fat phobia!" 

Spiritual bypassing is using one’s own spirituality to bypass the hard stuff in life. It’s a means to sidestep unresolved emotional issues and one’s own bias. It’s a way to avoid feelings of anger and anything negative with a high vibes only response.

But what would come from any of those played out scenarios? 

I know from years of engaging in this work, dismantling systems of oppression while unraveling from the ties of diet culture takes time. 

It’s not one, but many conversations.  

Conversations about thin privilege, spiritual bypassing the experiences of others who do not have thin privilege. 

Victim blaming: it's their own fault they are subject to weight stigma. If they had a "better attitude" they'd vibe at a higher level and not end up in that situation feeling angry. 

It’s staying in the hard stuff. 

Afterall, true listening is being in conversation holding a willingness to have our mind changed. 

I don’t know that I changed Andrea’s mind that sunny sleepy Saturday afternoon but I’m grateful for the opportunity to be engaged with someone willing to listen.