I am sad and I don’t know why (no.9)

Post #9

Written March 1, 2021

Even though my daughter is back in the classroom after 11 months of remote learning, where she did anything but thrive, I’m hearing these words “mama, I’m sad and I don’t know why”.

Yeah, maybe it was the hope that going back to school would make everything okay again. Or the realization that 2021 isn’t all that different from 2020.

Or perhaps it’s just life, “yes, child, sometimes we are sad and we don’t know why.”

And perhaps that is precisely the point. If we knew why, we might chase after trying to fix it, make it go away instead of just focus on feeling sad. Going through those big feels and letting it be okay to feel what we feel.

During remote learning, in our small beach bungalow, no matter where I sat, I could hear Cora's teacher speak to the students. There is one student in her class, Anna, who has a challenging time and has not qualms about expressing herself. She often cries out "I don't understand, I don't get it" and then begins to cry.

Dani, their teacher, immediately swoops in with "don't cry, you're okay, don't be sad, you can do hard things."

The other day I asked my daughter if she could change anything about 2nd grade what would it be, without missing a beat she says with great knowing, "I'd let Anna know it's okay to have her feelings and Dani would let her."

Whoa. Another reminder of why this child is MY greatest teacher.

I have a complex relationship with anger. For a nearly a lifetime, I didn’t want to feel anger, experience anger, witness anger, I just wanted it to go away, sit in a corner, dress it up, and certainly not come out in my presence.  Nobody likes an angry woman.

Super healthy, right?

Now I can’t quite say, I want you to get angry at me, but if you do, I can hold it. I have nearly a decade of training with someone who holds a lot of anger.

My co-parent.

And so much of his anger, I’ve learned, is well justified. It comes from a place of deep pain, wounding, injustice and trauma. And it took much of that decade to realize, that even though his anger is directed at me, it really has really nothing to do with me.

And my anger has nothing to do with you.

It’s my stuff to work out on my own.

It can be tough to hold our children’s feelings.

During a pandemic, during a crisis or just during a regular ol' work day. It can be tough to hold our own, then add a not fully developed brain on top of that, whew. Big stuff.

But I believe, being that container is likely the most important thing we can do as a parent. Because listening far outweighs anything we could ever say.

Sat Nam.